Anything But
7-17-07

It’s a pain I can’t pinpoint nor really describe
It’s sharp and it’s dull; it’s a truth, it’s a lie.
Life’s empty and dark, I can’t see the light of day
Tell me, is love supposed to feel this way?
The soft rose tint gives way to the black of despair
An enveloping blackness, every way, everywhere
How selfish and grotesque is this thing I call love!
What else can I call this I can’t stop thinking of?
Fantasy? Perversion? Idiocy? Sin?
What can I call this trap that I’m sinking in?
Jealousy? Dependency? Lust? Despair?
When I cry if only, if only you were there?
I’m aching, I’m longing, you make me happy but sad—
Is it just human nature I want what I can’t have?
I know I never said a single word of this to you
I’m selfish, I’m vile, I couldn’t do that to you too.
I thought that I hoped you’d find happiness somehow
But my twisted black heart meant in me, I see now.
This pain, sometimes dull, something sharper than steel
How can I convey the hopelessness that I feel?
I would have done anything so you’d look down and see!
It was like you always just saw right through me!
I wanted you to notice! I wanted to steal your heart!
But you still never saw me—inside, we’re too far apart.
I would have rejoiced if you’d hated me.
Anything, anything, but this apathy!
I would gladly have chosen any of Earth’s hardest harms
But to see you fall into another woman’s arms.

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For the record, this isn't me. I don't feel this way, never have, and hopefully never will. I've never fallen in love (can you tell? Probably. Haha). This is a character composition, I just don't know for whom. Oddly enough, the idea came into my head after watching the second Prince Yuki Fan Club episode of Fruits Basket. Probably because of Motoko's little internal monologue about how ugly and selfish her "love" for Yuki is.

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