Breakdown
8-25-06

Standing at the edge, one gust of wind could tip me.
Still I am too afraid to jump—I know that it will kill me.
I crawl up to the edge, peer over, try to see the bottom,
But the cliff keeps going down and down, now my stomach’s knotting.
There’s a voice telling me to just let go, but it’s courage that I lack.
I know once I jump off this edge, I’m never coming back.
“Let go, just let go, jump, leave your fears behind;
“It’s here and here alone that your doubts can leave your mind.”
Whatever voice that tells me this, it’s easier said than done;
With something as dangerous as this, I don’t want to jump the gun.
“Don’t think about it now, just go. Don’t worry, trust me.
“When you leave your world behind, you’ll finally be free.”
I take another look over. It’s a long, long way to fall.
How could this voice be telling me I won’t feel any pain at all?
Any explanation I can think of makes as little sense as this,
That I’ll be too busy screaming to notice when I hit.
“I never said it would be easy. That would be a poor pretend.
“But the hardest part is letting go. Once you’re in, it doesn’t end.”
That’s exactly what I fear. That this spiral never ceases.
Always just an inch from death, so my fear always increases.
“I’ve already told you you’ll be free. Is that so hard to believe?
“If I pushed you off the cliff myself, could you help but concede?
“But I’m not going to drop you, not if you can’t yourself.
“If you fear the breakdown, it’s your loss, and choice as well.”
If I fear the breakdown? What is there not to fear?
The agonies of my deepest heart spilled for the world to hear?
“There’s something that you cannot see, because of where you stand,
“There’s beauty when you let go of the world you once thought grand.
“In falling off, in letting to, when you surrender so faith can win,
“Something in that surrender reveals the beauty that’s within.”
Debating in my mind I pace, then stand still on the ledge,
And breathing in hard as I can, finally jump off the edge.
The voice was wrong, in one respect, this beauty, courage’s crown,
Is not my own, for now I see, the beauty lies in the breakdown.

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First of all, THIS POEM IS ENTIRELY METAPHORICAL. My poems usually are, yet for some reason my friends took me literally and were like, "Umm... so what's so great about her killing herself?" No. No. I did not mean it literally. Jumping off the edge is sort of symbolic of leaving your fears behind and doing something you were afraid to, even though something in you knew it would be good and it would free you. That's what it meant to me when I wrote it, though my original inspiration was only the word "breakdown." I was listening to my favorite Frou Frou song, "Let Go," which says in the chorus, "So let go, let go, jump in, oh well what'cha waiting for? It's all right, 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown. So let go, yeah let go, just get in, oh, it's so amazing here... it's all right, 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown." Can you see how I drew this poem out with that in my head? No? Oh... well...

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