A stream-of-consciousness character composition for Unknown
I'm cruising along, in the passenger seat of your beat-up, junky old pickup, acting like there's nothing wrong with the world. No messes, no distractions. Just that sweet smell of delusion. Just that sweet sound of your voice.
Do I know it's not real? Do I know I dream futile dreams? Do I know you'll let me down? Do I know you'll go away?
Of course I do. But I stay anyway.
If I gave you my heart, would you break it? Perhaps I already did. Perhaps you already have. I tell myself you don't mean it. I say you'd never hurt me on purpose. I swear you never knew how I felt. Maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I've hit the truth. Maybe I'm deluding myself. Does it hurt less this way? Does it hurt more? I can't say. I can say you never meant to hurt me. I'm probably right. But how could you have honestly never noticed?
Yes and yes. It hurts less, and it hurts more. It's dull, it's sharp, it's fading, it's intensifying. Which is real? I don't know. Maybe some. Maybe all. Maybe none. Nothing is concrete in this surreal world, nothing is absolute. Therefore I know nothing. Just that sweet smell of delusion. Just that sweet sound of your voice.
That voice, that sweet, soft voice that so sounds like yours tells me you'll be with me always, that you're all I'll ever need. I know that I don't hear you. I know I only hear what I want to hear. You're probably not even here. No... you're probably not even real. All this is just my lonely heart aching, longing, searching for something more, but unable to find it, and even less able to create it, though it tries and tries.
Do I know I'm delusional? Do I know I'm losing myself? Do I know you're not infallible? Do I know you'll go away?
Of course I do. But I stay anyway.
I guess I'm inviting disaster, courting calamity, dating despair. I know that's what you'll one day be to me. I'll curse this memory and my own folly for believing in it the way I right now can't help but do. But for today, for this one, fading, blissful day, you're not, and I don't. For just today, you're my everything. You're the air I breathe and the water I drink. You're what keeps my heart beating and my eyes open. Open to this blissful ignorance. Closed to the truth. Closed to tomorrow. Trying to ignore the end so fast approaching. Trying to ignore the break already set upon us.
Do I know you'll let me down? Do I know you'll go away? Do I know I'll regret this? Do I know you'll break my heart?
Of course I do. But I stay anyway.
It's so easy to be swept away, to leave behind my senses and my rationality. It's so easy to lose myself in the fast-flowing tides of what could be, but won't. So easy to forget what should be remembered and remember what should be forgotten. With just that sweet smell of delusion. Just that sweet sound of your voice.
